It's a wrap....vol. 1

Just over the horizon is a new year. Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what's to come. Only knowing that what I do the next day, is what only matters. Knowing that I can only do the best I can as an instrument of God, and do whatever his will is.

2008 for me can only be described with two words: pain and resurrection. I started the year off terribly. I thought it was going to be my year. I thought it was going to be a year of change. I thought I was to start it off with a bang. It started off with a bang alright. A shot fired into the dark but hitting my heart as an unknowing bystander. I lost three very important people in my life this year. My Uncle Junior, whom I lived with most of my entire life and who played a role as a father figure to me. My Auntie Nancy, who was my Uncle Junior's wife. And, my Auntie Ine, who was my Uncle Fred's wife.

During my time of pain, I had no one to turn to. No one was there for me. Not even my friends. Not even the one who supposedly said she cared about me. Going through that experience I grew to have a cold heart. I grew in distancing myself from people. Spending many days and nights to myself. Hanging out with friends here and there, but mainly, just wanting and needing to be alone. I grew accustomed to people not being there for me. So I learned to be there for myself. It was either buck up or buck down. So I bucked up and manned up. Dealt with everything on my own.

I don't know if going through that has caused me to be listless or indifferent, but it's very hard for me to show any emotion anymore. Yeah, I mean, I can play the role. Understand the pain another person is going through, but I can no longer show any emotion as to where I can offer myself to be there for anyone. I really can't see myself being there for anyone. I'll listen to your problems. I'll hear you out. I'll pray for you. I'll pray with you. But deep down inside, it's just another day to me.

The spring and summer was whatever. A lot of days spent by myself. Some days spent skating the boardwalk with the homie Jason. But other than that, I was on that Los Lonely Boy tip. I didn't mind at all.

So sometime in September I decided to go back to church. To find my way back to God. I know that I walked away from him. I backslided. I was a saved Christian who turned away from God and sought some sort of strength. Sought some sort of niche. Tried to find some other alternative in trying to redefine myself. I didn't though. I didn't grow without God. Going back to God was the best decision I had ever made.

I began going consistently to church. Twice a day even. Horizon in the morning with Gerry. The Rock in the evening with my sister, just to accompany her. We eventually joined a small group and it was the best decision I have ever made in my life. This small group allowed me to surround myself with fellow Christians who were going through the same struggles that I was going through. Together, we are able to pick each other and strengthen one another and as we walk the narrow path for God. I am so happy that I am able to grow as a better Christian thanks to my group. I've learned to strengthen my prayers and pray more often. I've experienced my homeless ministry. The power of helping those who are least fortunate regardless of what their situation is so humbling and empowering. I feel so blessed to have the grace of God upon me.

I also fasted for the first time in my born again life. I fasted for one week during the week of prayer and fasting. During that experience I was able to understand the true power of prayer and sacrificing for God. It was such a powerful experience and I'm looking forward to doing it again this coming new year.

Closing out the year, I started off in pain, worked my way being alone and redefinition, and ending with resurrection. An older, wiser, and blessed child of God.

The experiences I have gone through this year has made me a stronger person. Only by the grace of God that through pain I was able to find my way back to him and become the man he has always intended for me to be. It was all part of his perfect plan. I've learned to be embrace pain and hardship. Because by embracing it and accepting, only then can you grow and become stronger. By trusting in God, only then will you grow.

As the final minute clicks of 2008 and 2009 is introduced. There's only one thing I can celebrate. Being thankful that for another year, I'm alive and that whatever my future holds, I am ready to do God's will.

Here's to 2009. Thank you Lord and I love you.